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Here are two more of my recent journal exercise entries. My mind says “okay they sound not bad, maybe some will say they are from God (impressed by the length or something), but I think (and I don’t mean to brag) if you give me time to think I can come up with similar answers too, so how do you know it is really God answering and not me (your mind) …”
Me: Lord, do you love me?
God: Yes of course I love you, and you know that. But I suppose you want more than a Yes or No answer?
Me: Right. So how do you love me? Yes thank you for dying for me and salvation and creation and your great plans and all those big picture stuff that I learned, but how do you love me in a more intimate and personal sense?
God: How do *you* love Me?
Me: I guess I try to be a good Christian and a good person. But I am seeking to know you intimately, you know that?
God: Yes I see your desire and your effort. But you are also afraid to draw close to Me.
Me: Well You know that emotional aspect is not my strong suit, and I feel I don’t have control …
God: And it’s also the past hurts in your life that is still having effect.
Me: I think it’s also when something is beyond analytical, it is not something I am very experienced with, so that is not comfortable.
God: Okay.
Me: It takes time right?
God: Yes but not just time, it takes practice and action. If you wait 10 years and don’t do anything and don’t practice, then you still won’t grow much after 10 years.
Me: Okay God. I love You. I want to see You. My visual / imaginary faculty must be underdeveloped. I have a hard time seeing You.
God: Keeping practicing and keep asking. You heard some other testimonies, it takes time for some others too. Everyone is gifted in different areas.
Me: So how do (should) I love You? I want to not waste my life on earth, I want to hear “well done, good and faithful servant” on that day, I want to find and fulfill my destiny You have for me in this life.
God: That’s very good, but that is very functional. You need to build the relational part with Me, out of that flows the ability/power.
Me: So God, how do You draw close to me? Can I see You? Can You give me vision of heaven and throne room like what I read about others?
God: Yes, in due time.
Me: Lord my mind is wandering and thinking again.
God: Take your time to focus back to our conversation.
Me: Can you remind me some [past] incidence that show Your love?
God: How about the few times you made driving mistakes and didn’t get into accidents?
Me: Yes that is true. But I am not doubting Your existence and Your love and Your work in my life and Your angels and all that … I am just doubting these kinds of conversations are really You speaking to me, that I can do this journaling whenever I initiate and You will always be ready to talk …
God: There are the 4 keys you’re learning. You say you “talk to yourself” all these years, so you have practice and are experienced in that [EDIT: i.e. I have more experience in one aspect of hearing God]. But being still and fixing your eyes on Me is not something you are too experienced, so you still have to practice, that’s why sometimes words don’t flow out constantly.
…===
(I am experimenting on more directive-type journaling — trying to figure out my “year-end donation” plan.)
Me: Lord, can we talk about my giving? You know I want to grow in this area, and I am happy to give, and I believe I cannot outgive you. But there are all kinds of worthy causes and there is no limit to how much we can give. I don’t want to do dead work. I want to use this to practice hearing from You and be led by You. What to do about the year end giving to the different ministries? What about [NAME REDACTED] to start with?
God: Okay. Quiet down, try not to think but to just fix your eyes on Me, and wait.
Me: It seems that giving out of compassion if I know there is a specific need, is a good principle?
God: Yes; just make sure you don’t become “god” to others.
Me: Sure, that takes pressure off me too. Are You going to tell me a specific figure, or are You going to be vague?
God: Go check your scripture bookmark and see if any figures jump out? [EDIT: Joan Hunter has a teaching on “scriptural giving” that uses the number of chapter and verse of a scripture related to the area you want to sow into, and I’ve been experimenting on that in the past few months)
Me: Not from that, but my life verse (Jeremiah 33:3) comes to mind. So $333 is good?
God: Sounds good to me. Do that, and you can ask Me again, see if you have peace etc.
Me: I think this is just my mind analyzing things again, is it?
God: Well if things come to your memory, is it because of what I do, or just something natural?
Me: I’m not sure, I think it can be both, but I can’t tell which is it in specific cases.
God: Keep pondering that, outside of this journaling.
Me: Okay thank you God.
